let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
