You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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