I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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