I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
