Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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