So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
True strength comes from lack of pants
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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