I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I came so hard my ears popped.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
