Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
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i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
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Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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