if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
