I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
My friends, they love my intelligence
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
And then he peed in my hair
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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