He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
