Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
