I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
