I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
