hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
