I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
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I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
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I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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