I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
