I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
