Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
