Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
