On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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