Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
