i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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