I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
