Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
