Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
