Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
