Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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