At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
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he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
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So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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