I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
