just tell him i said nine months
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
