I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Randomize
