just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
