so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
they're like a gay fantastic four
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
