new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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