I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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