Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
