for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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