Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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