just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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