A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
