you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
