VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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