I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
