whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
