Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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