her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
