What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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