i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
This Girlâ€™s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport