I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence