he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
