You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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