I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
