I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
