Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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