my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
