I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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