i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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